I took the little lady to the park today after I picked her up from daycare, despite my obvious sinus cold! I tried to be a good sport and an even better mom; twenty minutes and I was thankful she was headed back to the car on her own terms!
There is so much to be thankful for--the small things and the big things. I'm so thankful there was not a tantrum leaving the park because I may have had one right alongside her. I'm so thankful that my princess is continuing to grow and develop.
I'm trying to be thankful that I got some rest in this weekend, at the same time I'm trying to ignore the added stress because of the lack of housework I tackled in the last 3 days. You know what didn't get done today: more than 1 load of laundry, dusting the living room, filing the stack of bills on the counter. I try to tell myself I can do it during the week, but playing catch up on housework during the week while working full time is near impossible. My house isn't near as clean as it would be if I were a stay at home mom. I leave at 7; I get home at 4:30. Dinner is started by 5, eating around 6. Then there's bath and books and playing. I can only accomplish so much in the hours I'm at home. So instead I focus on being thankful that I have a job with the way things are right now. Our bills are paid, we can visit the zoo, and go to a baseball game.
I digress. We're at the park, and obviously a zillion other families had the same idea on this beautiful day. I hovered. I know I'm guilty of that. But what am I supposed to do? I can't stand the idea of sending my little lady to play amongst 15 other kids who aren't going to watch out for her fingers. I don't want to risk her lashing out and hitting another kid because she was pushed, stepped on, shoved, and she doesn't have the words to stay more than "Stop." She's 3, and she wants to be 3, and I want her to be 3. But I also need to keep her safe. Playground equipment is a nightmare. It seriously makes me so nervous. She wants to play with her peers, but she just doesn't have the gross motor skills to keep up yet. She wants to run. She yells "run run run" every time someone runs by her, but she just can't do it yet. I know she will. This is not about me feeling sad because of a delay, or frustrated because she's meeting milestones on her time. I think she's a stellar kid, and even if she never runs, I'll still love her just as much as I do today. Okay, let's be honest, probably more because my love grows every day for her!
This is about how I don't know how to be a "normal" mom. And I'm absolutely not complaining! I'm just saying that I don't know how to send my 3 year old to run and play at the park while I sit on a bench socializing with other moms. I have to follow her around. She hasn't mastered steps, therefore the ladders that fill playgrounds are like death traps! The multi-tiered levels require a child to pay attention to depth perception and understand that somethings are not on a single level. One step and she could tumble very easily. I don't pick her up and carry her around, but I'm right there at arms' length just in case she stumbles. I can't sit her at a table with crayons and paper because she still eats the crayons. She can't just go play in the backyard. She's 3 but not ready for dance lessons, swim lessons, gymnastics lessons, etc. Too much direction following. I can't just let her play on the porch with chalk while I take care of the flowers in the garden.
Just the other day someone at work was complaining that her 2 year old had two accidents for the first time in months. She was so annoyed that one happened over night and they had to strip the sheets. It just seemed like something so trivial to get worked up about. I looked right at her as she looked to me for sympathy, and said "well, I wouldn't know what that's like. Diapers all the way here!" I wasn't trying to be rude. I was sharing my reality. I'm sure my perspective is jaded because I only know how to be her mom.
I love my daughter, and I love being her mother. And I'm understand one day I'll hand her over to surgeons to repair her heart. I'm okay with still changing diapers; I'm okay with still explaining social expectations to her. I'm okay with sippy cups still. I'm okay with our limited understanding of her spoken words. I'm okay with her smaller than typical size. I'm okay with the fact that she was 2 before she started walking. Sure, some things are harder than others to swallow. Just because I'm okay with something or have accepted it doesn't mean I'm thrilled by it. This is my life, and my life is about her reaching her greatest potential. I will push, pull and catch her whenever I need to, for as long as I need to.
But some days I see how the public looks at me, how they look at my beautiful daughter. It frustrates me. I don't want your pity or sympathy or even empathy. And I know I'll experience this for the rest of our lives. Yes, I don't know how to be a normal mom. But I excel at being Emery's mom. I see strangers parenting at the park or at a restaurant. I see strangers' looks while we're grocery shopping. I don't envy their perspectives! I see these people and I know how I was exactly the mother Emery is supposed to have. She was given to the right family. And I am thankful for that.
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